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Of rings and watch-fobs - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
wemyss
wemyss
Of rings and watch-fobs

 

Of rings and watch-fobs

_____________________________________

GMW Wemyss

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I would have thought that when I handed in the last script I might have burst into tears or got drunk or partied with twenty naked men, but when these great moments happen you find that real life just carries on. The emotion goes into the scripts.

– Russell T Davies on writing ‘The End of Time’: Scotland on Sunday, 5 April 2009

_____________________________________

‘Bugger,’ said the largish, rather shambling man.  He hastily called in to his boyfriend, who was Doing Something in the Kitchen that he’d been strictly forbidden to interrupt: ‘I’ll get it!’

 

Who in buggery, he wondered, calls ’round without ringing up on Boxing Day – in Manchester? Swansea, all right, old dears who knew your Nan, but Manchester?  It had best not be bloody Fleet Street.

 

It wasn’t.

 

Who it was, however, wasn’t altogether clear, even after the three men had somehow ended up in the kitchen with him and an equally bewildered Andrew.

 

‘Mr Smith, isn’t it.’  The dark-haired chap with the startling eyes was clearly in charge.  ‘As we were saying to Mr Davies, we’re terribly sorry to interrupt your Boxing Day preparations – whatever that is, it smells very toothsome.  My name is Henry Porteous, Ministry of Defence; my colleague, Rupert Wellesley, also MoD.  This gentleman – Dorian Boniface – represents the Home Office.’

 

Andrew Smith interrupted, then.  ‘Is this the sort of conversation covered by the Official Secrets Act?  You may be aware that I –’

 

‘Am employed by HM Customs?  And very creditable, too.  Mr Boniface assures me that invoking the Act shan’t be at all necessary.  Nor, I hasten to add, is this at all the sort of thing you want your solicitor for.  Rather, we are here – and I must again apologise for disturbing your festivities – to ask your assistance.’

 

Russell had said nothing.  The ginger – Wellesley, wasn’t it? – was dead gorgeous; the messy-haired brunet, Porteous, a sexy beast; but the blond Mr Boniface was troublingly reminiscent of … someone.  But who?  Even as Boniface began to speak, Russell had the odd, inconsequent thought, had the Fifth Doctor regenerated into Nathan Maloney….  You do want a holiday, and no mistake, he chid himself: you’re being haunted by your own characters. More or less….

 

‘In 1944, as you may know, a series of coincidences in the Daily Telegraph crossword – Utah, Omaha, Mulberry, Overlord, and so on – excited the attention of the security services until it was established that these were innocent coincidences.  Similarly –’

 

‘Look, Mr – Boniface?  Right.  I take it you saw the first part of the pr- –’

 

‘I told you, Russell, the “Saxon master race” was not funny –’

 

Oh, God, they can’t think I’m somehow backing the BN-bloody-P, can they?  I’d top myself first – and a good thing, too, I’d certainly be unemployable –

 

‘Er,’ was what he actually said.  ‘As you’re not the Yanks, and we did clear, well, Auntie did, the Obama reference with them….  Oh!  Did I inadvertently reveal something too near the knuckle about the operations of HM Prisons?’

 

‘Hardly,’ said Mr Porteous of the MoD.

 

‘Well, but then – I mean, this is about the show?  You did watch it, didn’t you?’

 

‘’Course – who didn’t?’  That was Wellesley.  ‘I expect Boniface watched from behind the sofa, mind….’  Russell couldn’t help himself: he was an observer, it was who he was, what he did: and it was evident that, if Porteous and Boniface had a bit of a history, there was a wealth of backstory between Boniface and Wellesley.  Not, it seemed, departmental; more like something carried over since their days as – yes, no doubt, at their posh public school, he suspected.  The sort of dynamic he’d posited for the Doctor and the Master, in its way….  But Porteous was speaking again.

 

‘We’ve really only a brief few questions, Mr Davies.  And don’t be alarmed: you’ll not, after all, be remembering any of this, either of you – I apologise in advance.’

 

Before he or Andrew could protest, the world became very strange indeed.

_____________________________________

‘God,’ groaned Russell, the next morning.  ‘I know I said I’d thought of marking the end of my Who-time with an orgy, but we didn’t, did we, surely?’

 

Andrew grunted.  ‘I seem to remember some under-thirty totty: a messy-haired darkish one with green eyes, a big ginger, and a blond….  But I expect it was something on the telly.  We did have rather a lot to drink.’

_____________________________________

Hermione was furious.

 

‘Harry!  I cannot credit you’d go along with the Ministry’s idiocy!  Honestly, the idea that Doctor Who revealed a dangerous familiarity with the Resurrection Stone and Horcruxes – daft!  Oh, do not give me that look, Ronald, it’s unconscionable meddling with a Very Important Muggle Cultural Institution, not that you’d know that, but I should have thought Harry at least –’

 

‘Hermione, love, leave off, do.  No harm found, and no harm done – no, really.  I don’t like the ferret, but Malfoy is a perfectly competent Obliviator, and we determined there was no cause for alarm, right?’

 

Hermione glared at Harry, even now.  ‘I hope you’re satisfied, then.’

 

‘For now,’ said Harry.  ‘I still want those people monitored.’

 

‘Harry!’

 

Harry’s jaw set.  ‘I refuse to accept there’s nothing dodgy about a programme on the telly that has as its hero a bloke who could pass for Barty the Younger’s twin at ten paces.’

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‘– and that’s when she stormed out.’

 

‘So we are still monitoring Who, then?’

 

‘With the closest attention.’

 

Malfoy beamed.  ‘Weasley!  Hurry up with the tea, it starts in ten minutes!’  He turned back to Harry, with a smile.  ‘Very Slytherin of you, Potter.  I’m impressed.’

 

‘Yeah, mate,’ said Ron, dashing in with the tea service floating along behind him.  ‘Only you could blag the Ministry into paying us to watch Doctor Who in the line of duty.’

 

Harry smiled.

_____________________________________

Finite

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17 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
blamebrampton From: blamebrampton Date: December 29th, 2009 03:00 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh bless you for no more spoilers than the cover of Time Out ;-)

Lovely and spot-on, and am giggling wildly at the thought of RTD fancying Ron. Which reminds me that I have still not read his book despite receiving it for Chrimbo last year.

But first, the Zyder sequel! I think I have a brief window of functional brain in which to tackle it!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: December 29th, 2009 10:33 pm (UTC) (Link)

I doubt cognitive function is really wanted.

But thank you - twice over.
noeon From: noeon Date: December 29th, 2009 03:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

Will wonders never cease?

Russell couldn’t help himself: he was an observer, it was who he was, what he did: and it was evident that, if Porteous and Boniface had a bit of a history, there was a wealth of backstory between Boniface and Wellesley. Not, it seemed, departmental; more like something carried over since their days as – yes, no doubt, at their posh public school, he suspected. The sort of dynamic he’d posited for the Doctor and the Master, in its way….

Well. Done. Under-thirty totty indeed.

The holidays have been too kind. I'm wishing for worse weather yet, ungrateful witch that I am.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: December 29th, 2009 10:34 pm (UTC) (Link)

The age of miracles is not past.

Thank you, very much indeed. And just you wait and see what's coming along next....
themolesmother From: themolesmother Date: December 29th, 2009 03:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
Laughing like mad!

Thanks for brightening up my day :-).

MM
wemyss From: wemyss Date: December 29th, 2009 10:35 pm (UTC) (Link)

Oh, my dear.

To know I've done that is recompense enough.
tree_and_leaf From: tree_and_leaf Date: December 29th, 2009 05:40 pm (UTC) (Link)
Splendid!

I hadn't thought of the similarities with Horcruxes - but then, the last episode was something of a grab bag of everything RTD could fit in, I thought.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: December 29th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yes, well, when is it not?

Thanks.

And really, I'm surprised JKR didn't instruct Carter-Ruck to write a threatening letter, really.
tree_and_leaf From: tree_and_leaf Date: December 29th, 2009 10:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Yes, well, when is it not?

More so than usual, I mean. Though I suppose RTD could plead that it's simply the old folk-tale motif of the wizard who kept his heart outside his body.

Mind you, I detected a certain amount of borrowing from Heroes.
fpb From: fpb Date: December 29th, 2009 08:18 pm (UTC) (Link)
I still say that HP and DM would not spend ten seconds of their adult life within ten miles of each other, let alone watch TV together. But this was really hysterical.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: December 29th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thankee.

Canon to the right of me, canon to the left of me....
sgt_majorette From: sgt_majorette Date: December 29th, 2009 11:35 pm (UTC) (Link)

Silly. Very, Very Silly.

More, please...

wemyss From: wemyss Date: December 30th, 2009 03:21 pm (UTC) (Link)

Your wish, and All That.

I follow you like a ... lamb.
magic_at_mungos From: magic_at_mungos Date: January 1st, 2010 10:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
*giggles* Lovely!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: January 2nd, 2010 07:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thankee, lass.

I'm glad you had fun with it as I did.
were_lemur From: were_lemur Date: February 4th, 2010 08:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Awesome.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 6th, 2010 06:29 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

I had far too much fun with it.
17 comments or Leave a comment