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Useful Phrases: a phrasebook meme (blame Clanwilliam) - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
wemyss
wemyss
Useful Phrases: a phrasebook meme (blame Clanwilliam)

I want to get back to my post on nomenclature; I feel obliged sooner or later to deal with widespread ignorance of elementary economics; and I’ve two book MSS and several articles I’m in the midst of.

 

I cannot however resist this, and it is All Clanwilliam’s Fault (vide http://clanwilliam.livejournal.com/231494.html).

 

So: Modern Phrasebook time. Please indicate in the subject line whose book it is: ‘The Fan’s Vademecum’; Useful Phrases for Britons Abroad; How to Make the Natives Understand Good Ol’ American; what have you.

 

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

 

 

Useful Phrases for Britons Abroad:

 

Have you anything at all to eat that hasn’t garlic in it – including ice-cream or pudding?

 

Would you care to wash? At all?

 

Is there soap in this country?

 

Where is the Anglican church? (Don’t be silly, you must have one, you were a British colony.) (Look here, I know there was one when my Great-Uncle Percy was District Commissioner here.)

 

Largish tomb for a Corsican dwarf, isn’t it?

 

Now see here, I’m very sorry about the goat’s death, but you were not, actually, legally married to it. Oh? May I see the registrar’s certificate, please?

 

What do you mean you haven’t an NHS in this country?

 

A pint of cider, please. No, an imperial pint. No, this is apple juice, I distinctly asked for cider.

 

Waiter, there is ice in my tea.

 

This beer is too cold.

 

Damn it all, that was blatantly a no-ball. No, I am not referring to your bits.

 

Where is the cricket ground? No, I am not interested in insects. No, cricket, damn it. No, I do not mean rounders or whatever the Yanks play.

 

Howzat?

 

Damn it, who do you suppose yourself to be? This is an MCC tie, as you might note....

 

My shout, I think.

 

Do you people never pay for a round?

 

I am not a ‘long-legged Cleggy-Weggy’ and I have no interest in a ‘coalition’ with you.

 

I don’t care if you are the police (religious police, morals police, secret police), all I did was order toad in the hole.

 

I demand to speak with the British consul (ambassador, high commissioner) at once.

 

Damn you, I am the British consul (ambassador, high commissioner).

 

Certainly not.

 

Don’t be impertinent.

 

Sod off.

 

I want a doctor. (Have you a doctor that speaks English?) (Yes, I do realise this is Glasgow....)

__________________________________

 

The Fan’s Vademecum:

 

Where is the fanfiction (the slash, the PWP, the H/D)?

 

You call this broadband? Slower than buggery....

__________________________________

 

Right, have at it, you lot.

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Comments
vaysh From: vaysh Date: October 21st, 2010 04:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
You made me laugh out loud!

Waiter, there is ice in my tea. That! Perfect.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 21st, 2010 10:33 pm (UTC) (Link)

Success, I haz it.

Triumph! I have amused Vaysh!
vaysh From: vaysh Date: October 21st, 2010 10:40 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Success, I haz it.

Not an easy feat, I know ... ;)

Also, I cannot comment where I should.

Can I call you Dave? ;)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 23rd, 2010 08:22 am (UTC) (Link)

Tell it not in Gath.

Do I look as if I hug hoodies?
vaysh From: vaysh Date: October 23rd, 2010 08:37 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Tell it not in Gath.

*lol*

Having no idea how you look, I venture a "no" nonetheless.
femmequixotic From: femmequixotic Date: October 21st, 2010 05:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
You do realize, yes, that I am now morally obligated to call you a long-legged Cleggy Weggy?

*G*

And now I can't decide if you made me want iced tea or apple cider. Damnation, man. I'm suffering now. *sniffles*

(Also, Corsican dwarf? Made me laugh in my cubicle. <3)

I would add to the fannish one...

What do you mean you have no wifi?
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 21st, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

Super. Yes.

Just don't ... Call Me Dave.
femmequixotic From: femmequixotic Date: October 22nd, 2010 04:06 am (UTC) (Link)

Oh, really, you shouldn't tempt me.

Hi, Dave.

*runs and hides*

ILU terribly, dearest. :D
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 23rd, 2010 08:23 am (UTC) (Link)

Cheek.

You may want to remain concealed.
sgt_majorette From: sgt_majorette Date: October 21st, 2010 08:53 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yanks in Old Blighty

Yes, I ordered my salad and my omelet in the same sentence, but that does not mean I want them served atop one another. And the cheese in a cheese omelet is not a half-inch slab riding the omelet.

Have you a dessert (or "pudding") that does not sound like a disease of the male organ?

Oh, and Brits visiting US? Don't ever order a cup of tea. Bring your own loose tea and brew it yourself in your hotel room. Or drink coffee. Bad coffee is drinkable in a way that bad tea is not.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 21st, 2010 10:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

Right, you win.

No spotted dick, then, for the lady's pudding.

Brill. To see oorsel's as ithers see us....
el_staplador From: el_staplador Date: October 21st, 2010 10:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
Most things are clanwilliam's fault.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 21st, 2010 10:30 pm (UTC) (Link)

They really are.

So much easier than blaming Nick Clegg.
magic_at_mungos From: magic_at_mungos Date: October 24th, 2010 08:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: They really are.

But probably less fun...
blamebrampton From: blamebrampton Date: October 21st, 2010 10:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh god … I once had to intervene in a heated argument between Mr Brammers and a waiter over the difference between cider and sparkling apple juice. I carried the day with 'Yes, he was definitely more terse than the situation called for, but there is a dictionary and legal definition of cider and this fits neither of them.'

And now I stumble off to work filled with horror at the suggestion Nick Clegg has become a shorthand for offers of sexual congress. Thanks.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 21st, 2010 10:31 pm (UTC) (Link)

My work here is done.

(Evil Larff.)
pathology_doc From: pathology_doc Date: October 22nd, 2010 12:48 am (UTC) (Link)
Where is the fanfiction (the slash, the PWP, the H/D)?

You call this broadband? Slower than buggery...


I suppose it depends on how much time you take over the buggery (which is, tongue-in-cheek - NO, NOT {NECESSARILY} THAT CHEEK - probably an appropriate way to pass the time if you're waiting for the latest H/D fanart to download through dialup/slow broadband).
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 23rd, 2010 08:24 am (UTC) (Link)

Buggery is always appropriate in those circs.

And fun!
absynthedrinker From: absynthedrinker Date: October 22nd, 2010 03:49 am (UTC) (Link)
Yes I noted the tie, Sir. I abandoned mine when the Tasmanian Devil's reign began and for the record, we only buy rounds for those who don't refer to us as "...you people".

The "Corsican dwarf" was a nice touch.

Peace,
Bubba
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 23rd, 2010 08:24 am (UTC) (Link)

Clever boy.

Full marks.
kestrelsparhawk From: kestrelsparhawk Date: October 30th, 2010 12:41 am (UTC) (Link)

Vs. Americanphrasebooks...

"why doesn't anybody speak English around here?"
"Where can I buy peanut butter?"
"We're invading your country because you harbor terrorists who envy us our freedoms."

sigh. I found out you wrote my fav fic from the travel fest (which I dearly hope I left you a note about; I did write several friends telling them how lovely it was) and when I came to visit here discovered I'd like to hear your voice more often. So I friended you. Hope that's okay. -- Kes
mayfly_78 From: mayfly_78 Date: November 12th, 2010 03:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hilarious, and a tad offensive to "foreigners' like myself. But that was the point, wasn't it?

But then again we greeks are even more obnoxious abroad, safe in the knowledge no one can understand our loudely spoken comments.
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