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The 'Shipping' Forecast. - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
wemyss
wemyss
The 'Shipping' Forecast.
This the fault of a post by tree_and_leaf.
***********************************************

THE SHIPPING FORECAST ISSUED BY THE SLASH-AND-HET OFFICE, ON BEHALF OF THE POTTERFEN AND POSTGUARD AGENCY, AT 1130 ON TUESDAY 16 MAY 2006

THERE ARE WARNINGS OF GAYS IN DRACO REMUS AND HARRY

THE GENERAL SYNOPSIS AT 0600
LOW NEVILLE 999 EXPECTED HARRY 1003 BY 0600 TOMORROW. LOW 100 MILES SOUTH OF SIRIUS 1020 EXPECTED HERMIONE 1008 BY SAME TIME

THE AREA FORECASTS FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS

VIKTOR FRED WEASLEY GEORGE WEASLEY
AROUSED OR TUMESCENT 7 OR 8, INCREASING 9 AT TIMES. BLOW IN SHOWERS. GOOD, BUT GREAT IN SHOWERS

ALBUS SEVERUS BLAISE DEAN HAGRID DOBBY REGULUS BLACK
AROUSED OR TUMESCENT 6 OR 7, INCREASING 8 AT TIMES. WINTRY, SHOWERS, BUT FAIR IN ROOM OF REQUIREMENT. SEX MODERATE OR GOOD

SEAMUS NOTT
AROUSED OR TUMESCENT 4 OR 5, OCCASIONALLY 6 IN SEAMUS. FAIR. GOOD

COLIN TONKS DRACO REMUS
BI OR PRE-SLASH 5 TO 7, OCCASIONALLY GAY 8 IN DRACO AND
REMUS. STRAIN AT TIMES. MAINLY GOOD

SLASH HARRY
SLASH BACKING D/S 7 TO 8, OCCASIONALLY GAY 9 IN DRACO, BECOMING ROMANTIC OVER TIME. FLUFF. MODERATE OR GOOD

HET HARRY
CANON 4 VEERING BI 5 TO 7. GINNY-CENTRIC. GOOD

SLASH NEVILLE
BLAISE OR JUSTIN 7 OR 8, OCCASIONALLY 6 IN ERNIE, BACKING DENNIS 6 OR 7 LATER IN POST-HBP. PITCH, GREENHOUSE, OR SHOWERS. MODERATE OR GOOD

HET NEVILLE
HESITANT 5 TO 7, BUT GINNY-CENTRIC AT FIRST IN CANON, VEERING LUNA-WARDS 6 OR 7. TOADS OR POT PLANTS. MODERATE OR GOOD

SOLO LUNA TRIO
PWP OR DRABBLE 5 OR 6. ANGST THEN FLUFFY. MAINLY GOOD

ZACK SMITH
STRAIGHT 4 OR 5 BECOMING VARIABLE 6 OR 7. ORGIES. GOOD

PADMA
HET OR PRE-BI VEERING TWINCEST 4 OR 5, OCCASIONALLY 6 AT FIRST. CHARACTERISATION MODERATE TO GOOD

FIRENZE WINKY
CRACKFIC VEERING FETISH 4 OR 5, INCREASING 6 OR 7 PERHAPS SQUICK 8 LATER IN KINK. REINS LATER. MODERATE OR GOOD

PARVATI HERMIONE
PWP OR FEMSLASH 4 OR 5, VEERING PWP 6 OR 7 PERHAPS POLYJUICE-GENDERBENDING 8 LATER IN FIC. COLD SHOWERS. GOOD, BUT POOR IN PLOTTING

BELLA CISSY LUCIUS MALFOY
SQUICK BACKING VIOLENT 5 TO 7, PERHAPS DARK 8 LATER.  GREEN FLASHES. VILE, OCCASIONALLY POOR IN GRAMMAR. LIGHT TORTURE IN CELLS AND DUNGEONS

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33 comments or Leave a comment
Comments
(Deleted comment)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 06:49 am (UTC) (Link)

Ah, my dear, I've managed, then.

To have pleased you is an accomplishment I treasure.

(Like the Scot visiting his grandson in Canada: 'Whit's that, lad?'
'That's a moose, Grandfather.'
'A moose! Hoo big are the CATS?')
(Deleted comment)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 07:16 pm (UTC) (Link)

I see that my ploy worked.

You broke out the Moose Icon.
(Deleted comment)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 10:52 pm (UTC) (Link)

Well, if it's that bloody easy (and I certainly am)...

... then I ought perhaps to have held out for the mildly pervy icons.
(Deleted comment)
shobhna_guerin From: shobhna_guerin Date: May 12th, 2006 11:28 pm (UTC) (Link)
LMFAO *falls on the floor with tears in her eyes, clutching her stomach*
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 06:47 am (UTC) (Link)

So long as you're not injured, hen. Humour passes, appendicitis is dangerous.

Glad to have amused. Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know that it did bring a smile.
fiona_fawkes From: fiona_fawkes Date: May 12th, 2006 11:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Here via daily_snitch.

I snorted into my tea in a very un-ladylike fashion. Then proceeded to choke on it when I got to the firenze/winky.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 06:45 am (UTC) (Link)

Oh: the chance of rein?

Thank you. I'm so glad you were diverted by it and glad also that you were kind enough to say so.
brieza From: brieza Date: May 12th, 2006 11:51 pm (UTC) (Link)
Too, too funny!

I love the terseness.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 06:44 am (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

It's such an easy format, I take no credit.
woman_ironing From: woman_ironing Date: May 13th, 2006 12:01 am (UTC) (Link)

As if you need to be told...

You are so fucking naughty!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 06:43 am (UTC) (Link)

This not Today, and I am not James Naughtie.

Or was that an elision, and you were suggesting I was fuckin' (Bill) Oddie?

Actually, though, of course, thanks, love.
woman_ironing From: woman_ironing Date: May 13th, 2006 10:56 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: This not Today, and I am not James Naughtie.

LOL!
You win at puns!
laura_the_auror From: laura_the_auror Date: May 13th, 2006 12:18 am (UTC) (Link)
For some reason VEERING LUNA-WARDS 6 OR 7 appealed most of all. Thanks for transforming the SF for me probably forever now.
SIRIUS DOGGER WEREWOLF BITE
EXPECTING MPREG. MODERATE OR GOOD
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 06:39 am (UTC) (Link)

Oh, that's even funnier.

Thanks. Glad it amused.
iulia_linnea From: iulia_linnea Date: May 13th, 2006 06:14 am (UTC) (Link)
Bwahahahaha! You win at forecasting. This is terrific!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 06:39 am (UTC) (Link)

Morning.

Thanks.

And now the news briefing, followed by today's prayer....
fangy From: fangy Date: May 13th, 2006 07:25 am (UTC) (Link)
Ah, fucking brilliant! Adding to memories.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 07:15 pm (UTC) (Link)

Why, thank you. Most kind of you.

I'm honoured to be thus memorialised.
tree_and_leaf From: tree_and_leaf Date: May 13th, 2006 09:39 am (UTC) (Link)
Extremely funny, dear wemyss. There's something oddly inspirational about the cadences of the Shipping Forecast - and I'm glad to have provided a catalyst for the insanity although, really, it's all Agger's fault.
tree_and_leaf From: tree_and_leaf Date: May 13th, 2006 10:33 am (UTC) (Link)
Incidentally, I have been mentioning (very positively) 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn' over at deleterius in the context of a discussion about whether Hr/D or H/D can ever be IC. Hope you don't mind.

I had also just remembered zoepaleologa's excellent 'Shipping Forecast' (which has nothing to do with shipping in the fan sense) and was going to mention it here, but I see snorcackcatcher has beaten me to it.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 07:14 pm (UTC) (Link)

Mind? I'm honoured.

I'll have to look that up, and bask.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 07:14 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thanks, hen.

Always a pleasure to have amused you. (O God, your only jig-maker.)
snorkackcatcher From: snorkackcatcher Date: May 13th, 2006 09:52 am (UTC) (Link)
Heh. Most amusing!

[zoepaleologa actually used the Shipping Forecast itself in a fic, btw. :) ]
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 07:12 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

My earlier 'real' fragment - the WWN Apparating Forecast - is, like the WWN verions of certain classic comedy and quiz shows (I'm Sorry, I'm Not on the Floo and Through the Wood), appearing in my current WIP.

I'd say that great minds think alike, but I'm not sure I'm worthy of the comparison to zoepaleologa.
themolesmother From: themolesmother Date: May 13th, 2006 03:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
LIGHT CHORTLES, VEERING VIOLENT GIGGLING
OCCASIONALLY BOUTS HELPLESS LAUGHTER ...

The Shipping Forecast is never going to be quite the same again for me.

MM
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 07:09 pm (UTC) (Link)

Er ... sorry?

I hope I've not ruined it for you.

To be serious for a moment, thank you: I'm vy glad you liked it.
aillil From: aillil Date: May 13th, 2006 08:53 pm (UTC) (Link)
What did I say about your sense of humour?

*topples of chair laughing* This is grand!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 13th, 2006 10:47 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thanks.

The Radio 4 people really want to offer me a contract, it wd be much less painful than the disaster of 'Down the Line' (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2-2178090,00.html).
aillil From: aillil Date: May 13th, 2006 11:05 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Thanks.

Oh, they would be much, much better off having you as a standard writer, I wholly agree. Besides, we'd get all these lovely HP ridicule news -- I really wouldn't mind those in the least.
33 comments or Leave a comment