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For the better edification of writers. - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
wemyss
wemyss
For the better edification of writers.

Common or garden slash writer’s notion of two public school boys contemplating an … encounter (brief or otherwise):

‘Darling!’

‘Oh, God, yes!  I’ve loved you from afar for years –’

‘I could not, I dared not, speak!  My love, my downfall, my destiny, will you come with me?  Will you make tender love to me under the stars?’

And so on.  Ad, I assure you, nauseam.

 

Realistic representation of two public school boys planning a quick ’un:

‘So.’

‘So.’

‘Um.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.  All right.  Not a poofter, mind.’

‘N’more am I.  Just.  Well, no birds here, are there?’

‘Well, Ainsley Minor.’

‘House tart, right.  Still. Not worth the box of chocs he wants for it.’

‘Right.  So.  You, ah….’

‘Yeah.  Right.  Round the back of the fives court?’

‘Hmm.  ’D work.  Right-oh, then.  Five minutes?’

‘Ten.’

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Comments
shezan From: shezan Date: October 24th, 2006 03:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

wemyss = 1, keyboard = 0

*iz ded*
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 04:59 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

I trust you'll recover from being deaded. Well, it worked on the Goon Show, right?
shezan From: shezan Date: October 24th, 2006 06:21 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Thank you.

I'll be okay. My keyboard may never type Q again, mind you. (It'll have to be the hairdryer to cow it back into submission...)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 08:24 pm (UTC) (Link)

Uite so.

I'm sorry if I ueered your pitch.
(Deleted comment)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 05:03 pm (UTC) (Link)

Hearts?

3♠.

(Sorry, that didn't turn up trumps, now, did it.) Thank you, though, I am, seriously, pleased that it amused and diverted you.

Here's hoping that those who might profit by it will be equally attentive.
From: ex_ella_bane358 Date: October 24th, 2006 03:57 pm (UTC) (Link)
Realistic representation of two public school boys planning a quick ’un:

HA! Thanks for that. :-)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 05:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

I note that all who are commenting are precisely those who need not the lesson.
nineveh_uk From: nineveh_uk Date: October 24th, 2006 04:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
::snorts::

Devoid of entertainment, and with muzzy head, I found myself doing the accounts on Sat evening to the accompaniment of the film of Forster's "Maurice". I could only think, boys, just get a grip. Slash does appear unduly influenced by the Edwardians.

wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 05:09 pm (UTC) (Link)

Oi. That's IT! PRECISELY! It just struck me....

Exactly: you've hit it.

The thing I'm complaining of is all Merchant-Ivory rubbish.

What I'm suggesting is realistic is pure Python:

Person Well that's quite enough of that. And now a policeman near Rottingdean ... Albatross!

[Cut to a policeman standing in a street man comes up to him.]

Man: Inspector, inspector.

Inspector: Uh huh.

Man: I'm terribly sorry, but I was sitting on a park bench over there, took my coat off for a minute and then I found my wallet had been stolen and £15 taken from it.

Inspector: Well did you er, did you see anyone take it, anyone hanging about or ....

Man: No, no, there was no one there at all. That's the trouble.

Inspector: Well there's not very much we can do about that, sir.

Man: [PAUSE] ... Do you want to come back to my place?

Inspector: ... Yeah, all right.

[Women's Institute applauding.]


eagles_rock From: eagles_rock Date: October 24th, 2006 04:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
Say it ain't so, Wemyss! No longing looks from under long fringes, velvet waistcoats, slim volumes of poetry and lounging on chaises longues? Pish-posh. Does no one do yearning any more?

I'd like to put in a little request; here's hoping you write the start of H/D (as opposed to H,D) in the Dragongate. No pressure, mind, would just like to see your take on it.

P.S. I've started 'Lament for a Maker' yesterday, and Noel Gylby's back! Lovely bloke. I'd not thought I'd see him again after Hamlet!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 05:13 pm (UTC) (Link)

Here. Have a madeleine with your cuppa.

Yearning. Snort. Right.

As to your second point, your wish, dear lady, is my command.

And you'll love Lament. Ewan Bell and Mr Wedderburn are my heroes.
lucubratrix From: lucubratrix Date: October 24th, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Teenage lesbians do yearning. I think all of the ultra melodramatic writers need to channel it into femmeslash! :)

Seriously, thanks for making my morning! V. funny!
shezan From: shezan Date: October 24th, 2006 06:23 pm (UTC) (Link)
I earnly counsel any teen-age lesbian going the Radclyffe Hall way to heed Mary rRult's example, and read it out loud in bed in a French hotel with your lover, snorfling all the way.
shezan From: shezan Date: October 24th, 2006 06:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
"earnestly", even. And Mary Renault.

I told wemyss he'd killed my keyboard...
lucubratrix From: lucubratrix Date: October 24th, 2006 09:02 pm (UTC) (Link)
Ha ha. When I first read Well of Lonliness I was 15 and oh-so-angsty. Revisiting the book a decade later, I have no idea how I managed to read it without laughing my way through it.
eagles_rock From: eagles_rock Date: October 24th, 2006 08:11 pm (UTC) (Link)
Teenage lesbians had crossed my mind, :-); I do believe you are correct, but would it be wistful pining and anxiety about the friendship at the expense of action?

Is yearning a polite term for gagging for a shag?
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 08:25 pm (UTC) (Link)

D'you know...

... Of all the things that NEVER cross my mind, I can honestly say that adolescent Lesbians would be foremost on that list.
lucubratrix From: lucubratrix Date: October 24th, 2006 09:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
You know, my angsty teenaged years were WOEFULLY bereft of action!

I certainly was willing, but oh, the angst of the unrequited crush on the best friend! The drama of the rejected friendship! The catfighting! The social subterfuge!The drawing sides! I am so very glad I am not sixteen anymore, and more importantly, that my friends are not sixteen either. :)

Then again, I was in a very rural environment, and it would have been difficult to find action. Upon getting to a big city for university, I promptly set about finding action, even though the melodrama of course managed to carry on!
lucubratrix From: lucubratrix Date: October 24th, 2006 09:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think all of the unfulfilled gagging for the shag ends up just being subverted into more angst, melodrama and tension. I think things would have been so much less dramatic if everyone involved had been getting some.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 08:27 pm (UTC) (Link)

Glad to have been of service, m'dear.

But do they yearn melodramatically? I mean, why not the Barbara Pym sort of approach?
lucubratrix From: lucubratrix Date: October 24th, 2006 09:07 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Glad to have been of service, m'dear.

I think teenaged girls from the ages of 15-18 have an unprecedented capacity for melodrama, and when you are talking about romantic entanglements without the balance of less-melodramatic boys, there's a more-than-additive effect.

If anything, your little snippet is underdoing the melodrama.

Of course, it shouldn't be this way. But it is.
dolorous_ett From: dolorous_ett Date: October 24th, 2006 05:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
That made me chuckle.

I can't see anyone of school age carrying on in the vein of Example One. Imagine if they got caught - their classmates would make the rest of their time at school a living hell.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 24th, 2006 05:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yes. Yes they would do. Utter hell.

And deservedly. Some prose is simply not to be forgiven.
From: darklocket Date: October 24th, 2006 10:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
*sporfle* That was quite hot...the second version, that is. You leave so much space for reading between the lines. More please!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 25th, 2006 03:04 pm (UTC) (Link)

Pandora ... step AWAY from the box.

Thanks.
serriadh From: serriadh Date: October 24th, 2006 11:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
*giggles*
But... but, but what's the point of having gay public school boys if they behave just like all the other boys? (stephen fry has a lot to answer for - have you read his accounts of his school days?)

Oh, and have you seen The History Boys (either play or film?) - that's especially good because it's not too cloyingly sweet, but not only are the boys lusting after each other, they're lusting after the teachers and the teachers are lusting after them!

wemyss From: wemyss Date: October 25th, 2006 03:06 pm (UTC) (Link)

The point?

Getting a leg over, obviously.

And yes, literature and film get a pass when they're so good or so affecting or so damned funny as to deserve one. It's when people mistake that for realism.... Oh, well.
sgt_majorette From: sgt_majorette Date: October 25th, 2006 03:08 pm (UTC) (Link)
It's Oscar Wilde's fault. Maybe he was a double agent?

And the teenage lesbians who OD on Merchant-Ivory: why don't they write femmeslash?
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