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Conclusion of the Omniocular challenge - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
Conclusion of the Omniocular challenge



RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Ernie.  I spoke with Stan Shunpike this morning – Knight Bus for me today, t’ missus has the sweep in, soot in t’ Floo.

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          I suppose, Minister, that he mentioned the Malfoy dispute with the Transylvanian branch of Gringotts, and the Transylvanian commercial attaché’s attempt at bribery?

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           You took the Knight Bus?

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          Oh, no, Minister.  There’s a PPS network quite as much as there is an information network amongst the conductors.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Well, why not, there’s a bloody great network of current and former Permanent Secretaries and Cabinet Secretaries.

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          Quite, Minister.  But it’s much less efficient.  I very much doubt that Draco knows that you know as much about him as you know.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           I know that he’s not amenable to bribery, any road.  Apple fell at least that far enough from tree.  Not that it would be aught but money for old rope: he’s doing quite enough to represent the Transylvanian interest as it stands, gratis.

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          Well, Minister, to be fair, he is genuinely concerned about the embargo you propose, and dreads the thought of war.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Oh, it’ll never come to that, lad.  Who’d take on Harry and Ron and their lads, eh?  And if they did do, it’d be done and dusted in a day.

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          Of course, Minister.  And Harry and Ron would be the heroes, and you would be celebrated, and the Sibylline Service would be blamed for the initial mess.  That’s why Draco dreads the prospect.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           I don’t want war anymore than you do, Ernie.  Or Draco, come to that.  But I’ll not roll out red carpet for some Death-Eating foreign despot, either.  It’s – unspeakable.

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          Indeed it would be, Minister.  May I suggest, then, that the Unspeakables sort it?

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Caught on, did you?  Good lad.  Just send Tony Goldstein straight in when he comes, will you?

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          Ah.  Gladly, Minister.



ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          Draco?  The Minister is back.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         Back?  Back from where, precisely?  You know he’s not to be allowed to go walkabout, Ernie, he’ll talk to people.

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          He had a pint with the Lord Enchantellor of the Tally and the Deputy Governor of Gringotts.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         WHAT?  We’re doomed!  Hurry, before he does something else!



DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         Minister!  Please tell me you have not spoken with the children of Mammon regarding the very preliminary notes I drew up regarding the remote possibility of a trade cessation –

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Owdonabit, lad.  Yes, I’ve spoken to the Lord Enchantellor of the Tally, and the Treasury are entirely in agreement with my plans.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         In fact, Minister, they are entirely opposed.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           The Enchantellor said –

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         Minister, allow me to be very frank and perfectly clear.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           That would be a unique experience.  Ernie, take a minute.

ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          I’ve a feeling it will take several, Minister.  Sorry.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         Minister, when I say that the Treasury are wholly opposed, I am referring to the Treasury, not to its current figureh-, ah, its current political master.  If you wish to sound the opinion of the Treasury, the last person you would ask is the Enchantellor.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           I remind you that the Enchantellor of the Tally is the Second Lord of the Wizarding Treasury.  And that the Minister for Magic is the First Lord of the Wizarding Treasury.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         Precisely!  The last two people to have any idea –

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Draco.  Events have passed you by.  If this tepid bugger Ţepeş goes on demanding to come to this country without accounting for his past misdeeds, there will be an embargo on Transylvanian goods.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         I can only say, Minister, that your reputation for courageous action in the past will be as nothing to the courageousness of the policy you have now adumbrated.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           ‘Courageous’ meaning it will lose me the next election.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         Did I say ‘courageous’, Minister?  I meant, ‘bold’, rather.  Controversial policies are those that lose you votes; courageous policies lose you elections; bold policies lose you votes of confidence.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Eey, lad.  I’ll make wager with you.  In a fortnight’s time, I’ll be Minister yet, and Ţepeş will be out on his arse.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         That’s quite the gamble, Minister.  I must say –


ERNIE MACMILLAN, PPS:                          Minister?  A message from Field-Auror Marshal Potter.  He is bringing Mr Ţepeş from Fishguard directly to this office, and will arrive within ten minutes.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         What?  He’s here?  In the UK?

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Ah.  Well, sithee, there’s Gryffindor subtlety

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         I’m sorry, Minister, I’m certain I just heard an oxymoron.

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           – And there’s Slytherin subtlety.  I prefer the former.  Yes, Ţepeş is here.  Harry let him in.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         But your principles –

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Oh, he’s here on conditions.  He’ll make a full confession and abide our judgement.  It’s the price of our letting him stay.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         Minister?

RT HON NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM:           Seems there was a good, liberal, democratic revolution in Transylvania this morning, and he just got out with a whole skin.  Unforeseen and unexpected, that coup.  Fortunate, though.  Go and tell Foreign Office and Home Office to start process for granting him asylum, on those conditions.  Then take a half-holiday for your own business: I believe you’ve some international banking to see to.

DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y:         (PAUSE) Yes, Minister.


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14 comments or Leave a comment
velvet_tipping From: velvet_tipping Date: February 10th, 2008 06:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
DRACO MALFOY, CABINET SEC’Y: Did I say ‘courageous’, Minister? I meant,

‘bold’, rather. Controversial policies are those that lose you votes; courageous policies lose you elections; bold policies lose you votes of confidence.

wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 10th, 2008 06:56 pm (UTC) (Link)

Ta, luv.

velvet_tipping From: velvet_tipping Date: February 10th, 2008 06:58 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Ta, luv.

When I am euthymic nobody can avoid knowing about it.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 10th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC) (Link)

As it should be.

tudorpot From: tudorpot Date: February 10th, 2008 07:07 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wonderful, I love your use of Slughorn. Neville is great in his Northern persona.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 10th, 2008 07:13 pm (UTC) (Link)

You're very kind.

And with Draco as Sir Humphrey, there was really only one possibility for Sir Arnold.
From: tree_and_leaf Date: February 11th, 2008 09:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, splendid. I particularly liked Ernie in the Bernard role, and Neville's blunt northern deviousness.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 11th, 2008 09:36 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

I do love Neville so.
themolesmother From: themolesmother Date: February 13th, 2008 03:14 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh, absolutely brilliant! Gryffindor subtlety outwits Slytherin deviousness. I love your Neville. Draco doesn't stand a chance.

wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 13th, 2008 03:27 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you, but I claim no credit.

It's all Nev's doing.

You're very kind.
From: tree_and_leaf Date: July 20th, 2008 09:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
I seem to have missed this the first time round, but it's marvellous. Especially Neville, but Bernard Ernie is excellent too. And the Weasel - or Weisel - joke was never more apposite.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: July 21st, 2008 02:55 pm (UTC) (Link)

Why, thank you.

You're always so kind to my footling efforts.
shezan From: shezan Date: September 23rd, 2008 02:46 pm (UTC) (Link)
How did I manage to miss the later installments? WONDERFUL! And the Unspeakables! Shades of A Victory For Democracy, of course! Walkabout! Wunnerful, wunnerful!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: September 23rd, 2008 02:54 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you, my dear.

And, on the books issue, the AdeG is the 1911 edition (you will recall that was the year of the scandal of the arguably-morganatic marriage between Princess Tatyana Konstantinovna to the Bagration lad).
14 comments or Leave a comment