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Mullah Issa al-Nelli answers your questions - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
Mullah Issa al-Nelli answers your questions
[NOTE: Morning, you lot. I had not intended to pause yet from working on the next few chapters of my fic to address a number of things in fandom that have, of late, ‘done my head in’, as Seamus would say. Then Melissa Anelli – is it me, or does that surname now seem derived from a cod-Latin diminutive for ‘little arsehole’ – over at TLC issued her fatwa, demanding that a weak satire piece in a Yank university newspaper be condemned by the Faithful, and its author and publishers be made to apologise ‘and be held responsible’ – chilling terminology, that – for their mockery of JKR, pbuh [‘publication be upon her’]. Well, how could I resist? It’s a curious thing about satire, this principle of Bovine Solidarity: it is the proper end of satire to mock sacred cows, and it is always resented by stupid ones.]
FATWA: ‘O people of the six books so far and maybe a seventh when JKR gets around to it, arise! 
‘I bear witness that there is no Author but JKR, and Emerson is Her messenger.
‘“O you who believe!  Be careful of your duty to JKR, and remember that you are but her House-Elves, and House-Elves Does What They Is Told!” (Winky’s Surah; 3:102).
It should not be hidden from you that the people of Rowling-am have suffered from aggression, iniquity and injustice imposed upon them by the Unbelievers, and by that sect (whom JKR condemns!) of apostates, the Harmonians, who deny the revelation of JKR in their act of mukaffir, and who are pronounced apostate by virtue of the takfir rendered by JKR Herself as revealed to the Prophet Emerson, Pixels Be Upon Him.
‘As the scholars, the Ulama, have said, it is no secret that to use man-made law and to profess decadent “Western” rights that promote “freedom of speech” and “press freedoms” over the honour of JKR (instead of following the True Law, the Jori’ah), and to support the Unbelievers and the apostates, renders a Rowling-im himself apostate, an Unbeliever, a traitor to the Faith. It is the duty of the Rowling-im ummah to RESIST.
‘The right answer is to follow what has been decided by the people of knowledge, as was said by the Prophet Emerson (JKR’s mercy upon him): “all the people of Rowling-am, the Faithful of the Rowling-im nation, should join forces and support each other to get rid of the Unbeliever and those who mock the Author and her Prophet, even to bearing the lesser damage of joining the apostate Harmonians so as to defeat the Unbeliever”.
‘If there be more than one duty to be carried out, then the most important one should receive priority. Clearly after Belief in the Author and her Prophet Emerson (SAW [Silly American Wanker]), there is no more important duty than defending the honour of the Author and the Prophet, threatening those who mock them, and making them pay: the honour of the Author and her Prophet must be defended with blood. No other priority, except Belief, could be considered before this duty of Jo-had; the Prophet Emerson has stated in a Hadith, “to fight in defence of religion and Belief is a collective duty; there is no other duty after Belief than fighting the enemy who is corrupting the life and the Faith. There are no preconditions for this duty and the enemy should be fought with one’s best abilities.”
‘If it is not possible to push back the enemy except by the collective movement of the Rowling-im people, then there is a duty on the Rowling-ims to ignore the minor differences among themselves, even if it means a truce with the Harmonians.
‘To “fight the enemy with one’s best abilities” it is permissible to pretend to agree with the Unbeliever’s man-made “law” and to use its words against itself and against the Unbelievers, as by pretending to accept free speech and press freedoms but arguing that the giving of offence supersedes these. This is taqiyyah, deception, as practised in accordance with the will of the Author as revealed to and by her Prophet: even as we see over the cartoons of the Unbelievers who mock JKR and Her Prophet with buttery Danish goodness, yummmm!’
‘O you protectors of unity and guardians of Faith! Today your Faithful companions in the Ummah have begun their Johad in the cause of the Author, JKR the Most Merciful! It is the duty of every Rowling-im in this world to avenge the insults to the honour of the Author!
‘O Defenders of the Faith! Your comrades in the Faith are calling upon your help and asking you to take part in fighting against the enemy, they are asking you to do whatever you can to avenge the honour of the Author!
‘O soldiers of JKR! Ride on! March on! 
‘O JKR, aid us to avenge You and make the Unbelievers flee! 
‘And our last supplication is: All praise is due to JKR! ROWLING-UH AKBAR!’
Q. Is it permissible to depict JKR or Her Prophet?
A. It is not permitted. The Prophet Emerson is not to be depicted, trust me on this. It’s for your own sakes. And it is a great sin to depict the Author. However, this latter sin may be remitted unto the Faithful upon payment of an obscene amount of royalties (please contact Warner Brothers regarding the rights).
Q. Is it permissible to depict the Author’s characters in three dimensions?
A. It is forbidden. If JKR did not see fit to create three-dimensional characters, who do you think you are to do it, Sparky?
Q. Is it blasphemy to suggest that the Author has not created three-dimensional characters?
A. It is a very great blasphemy to suggest any imperfection in the Author, and the punishment is death.
Q. Arf a mo’, ducks, isn’t that hypocritical or at least contradictory? You just said that ‘JKR did not see fit to create three-dim –’ AAAAARRRRGH!
A. It is a very great blasphemy to question Mullah Issa, and the punishment is death. The beheadings will continue until morale improves.
Q. Is it permissible to bang on about how, ‘oh-of-course-we-believe-in-press-freedom-BUT’ and then to demand submission from those who ‘slander the Author and Her Prophet’?
A. This is the taqiyya I spoke of in my fatwa. It is a very great blasphemy to fail to pay close attention to Mullah Issa, and the punishment is death. The beheadings will continue until morale improves.
Q. Funny, I don’t believe you’ve said anything about the precisely similar argument of those whose mobs are sacking Danish and Yank embassies over a perceived slight to their religion, have you?
A. There is an ancient American proverb, ‘Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke’. Besides, that has nothing to do with the True Faith in JKR and Her Prophet, Emerson, so it can’t be that important. That’s about some guy with a beard, innit? What’s his name?
Q. Is fanfiction permissible?
A. Only if approved by Mullah Issa and the Prophet Emerson. And you’d best not let us find you writing anything but G-rated or PG-rated H/G het, or you’re for the chop.
Q. My browser cuts off the latter part of your, ah, ‘essay’. Why?
A. The remainder of Mullah Issa’s essay offended Mullah Issa and blasphemed the Author, JKR the All-Wise and All-Merciful. It was therefore beheaded. It is a very great blasphemy to offend Mullah Issa, and the punishment, I may have mentioned before, is death. The beheadings will continue until morale improves.
Q. What of slash-fiction? Is this permitted?
A. BLASPHEMY! Push over a wall upon them who write or read the unclean thing! DEATH TO THE BLASPHEMERS! Besides, it offends Mullah Issa, and the penalty for offending Mullah Issa is, well, you know the drill.
Q. What of crack-fic, humour, and satire?
These may well offend Mullah Issa, who has no sense of humour or proportion. Best not to chance it. It is, after all, a very great blasphemy to offend Mullah Issa, and the punishment – wait for it – is death. The beheadings will continue until morale improves.
Q. Is the liberty to speak freely inferior, then, to the whinging of the next deluded, egotistical bint who claims she was ‘offended’ by satire and thinks she speaks for JKR and the entire bloody fandom?
Q. Are you really as great and as stupid a twat as your half-witted essay suggests?
It was at this point that Mullah Issa al-Nelli elected to terminate the colloquy. 

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79 comments or Leave a comment
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alexia75 From: alexia75 Date: February 23rd, 2006 08:41 am (UTC) (Link)
Are you really as great and as stupid a twat as your half-witten essay suggests?

She's also a journalist... of some description. (Can't you just picture the type?)

Prosecution rests.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 12:59 pm (UTC) (Link)

Frightful, Isn't It.

She's also a journalist... of some description. (Can't you just picture the type?)

Sadly, yes. Yes, I can.

I cd even suggest an appropriate newspaper for her type(-o) to write for.
nineveh_uk From: nineveh_uk Date: February 23rd, 2006 10:39 am (UTC) (Link)
There’s no chance that TLC were trying and failing to do a sophisticated satirical piece themselves, is there? ::reads Editorial again:: Parts of it are close enough that I feel it’s just about possible they were and it didn’t quite come off, because being so self-righteously offended about an obscure satirical piece about being offended about - well, Harry Potter is certainly fiction, whatever one’s feelings about various religions –

Oh, I tried for the benefit of the doubt, but actually I fear that the reason it comes so close to being rather clever satire (doesn’t “Editorial: Stanford Article Invokes J. K. Rowling in Appalling Piece of Satire” sound like something straight out of The Onion?) is that it’s gone all the way round the circle the opposite way and is now waving across a narrow but infinitely deep chasm.

If only the original article, now getting so much attention, had been better written, though “The obvious next step, then, would be to hold a gay marriage between two prominent terrorists” was just inspired.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 01:05 pm (UTC) (Link)

No Chance at All.

For one thing, clever satire wd require some initial self-awareness. And a sense of humour. And an absence of self-worship. And - but I digress.

In other news, rioting mobs at TLC, enraged by the insult to the Author and Her Prophet, attacked restaurants serving Californian cuisine (Stanford is in California, according to the prophet Google), leaving behind scenes of devastation marked by pieces of avocado turning brown in the heat, and wilted veg.
aillil From: aillil Date: February 23rd, 2006 11:13 am (UTC) (Link)
Best ever! Haven't laughed this much all week.

But I need to go back and read it again, and slowly this time. *g*
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 01:07 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yes. Do Read It Carefully.

After all, 'It is a very great blasphemy to fail to pay close attention to Mullah Issa, and the punishment is death', you know.

Glad it amused.
From: handful Date: February 23rd, 2006 04:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
The urge to have your children is now very strong and great.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 04:18 pm (UTC) (Link)

Er. Thank You.

Mind you, they'd be appalling little buggers were they to take after me at all.

Thank you, though, for commenting. I'm pleased it amused you.
darkthirty From: darkthirty Date: February 23rd, 2006 04:26 pm (UTC) (Link)
I can only laugh, and that, as they say, is the works.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 04:32 pm (UTC) (Link)

That's the Response I Wanted.

Laughter banishes boggarts, after all.
annearchy From: annearchy Date: February 23rd, 2006 05:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
Here via innermurk...thanks for the laughs. You're right, Melissa's editorial sounded like something from the Onion (but badly done). Next thing you know the Onion might write about Dick Cheney shooting a hunting partner!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 09:03 pm (UTC) (Link)

Good of you to stop by. Lovely to see you.

It is amazing, isn't it: life imitating art is one thing, life imitating parody is quite another.

Glad to provide the chortle.
themolesmother From: themolesmother Date: February 23rd, 2006 05:20 pm (UTC) (Link)
Having not read the original I went forth and did so in order to better understand your piece -

- and sighed deeply. What is it with these people?

No, don't tell me. I know really, it was a rhetorical question. You can't be a member of one of Britain's most quarrelsome amateur theatre groups for over a decade and NOT know, not to mention the druidry, but we won't go into that. Wherever we humans create some sort of group the "mullahs" will always be with us.

Then I went back to your piece. I laughed a lot. My sense of humour and proportion were restored and I stopped wanting to go and post a rant in answer to the stupid woman. That way madness lies.

Keep it up. The world needs more satire.

wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 09:01 pm (UTC) (Link)

Ah, My Dear.

My profound condolences that you had to suffer reading the original for my sake.

And, thank you. I don't know that the world needs all that much satire, but so long as such as these keep writing, the satire all but writes itself (sounds like an Escher drawing, doesn't it: 'And here we see the satire, writing itself').
From: (Anonymous) Date: February 23rd, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC) (Link)



It's funny 'cause it's true.

wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 08:59 pm (UTC) (Link)


Also, it is sad that it is true.

But funny is better. Thanks for joining in casting Riddikulus at this boggart.
sgt_majorette From: sgt_majorette Date: February 23rd, 2006 06:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
The only thing I can say in Madame's defense is that we have the kind of crazy in these United States who would read that article and promptly buy a one-way ticket to Edinburgh to stalk our Jo. And the fact that Dubai has just been given a contract to administer several major ports, including that of New York, is just the kind of trigger these nutrolls need. You're talking about a place where law enforcement wasted an entire weekend terrorizing swarthy tourists at airports after the Oklahoma City bombing, which everybody immediately noted took place on the anniversary of one of those deepwoods white-supremacist lair clearouts, while the neo-Nazi perpetrators were apprehended as a result of the proverbial routine traffic stop.

That said, the author of the essay in question totally won my heart and mind by dissing the late architectural atrocity known as the World Trade Center. As a person who used to buy her school supplies in the old publishing district that existed pre-WTC, and who considered the WTC towers a rude and hubristic insult to the elegant skyline of her City, I was heartened to see that some people are beginning to put the whole thing into context.

And, at the risk of outing myself as a racist, Madame is the sort of person referred to in many circles as a "professional white girl", something our Jo certainly is not: she can roll her eyes with Harlem's finest. I've been picturing the author of that DaVinci thing, which has been rebutted and debunked in every medium just as seriously as JKR has been denounced for promoting Satanism, witchcraft and homosexuality (a publicity shot from the film of Harry and Ron in their Yule Ball robes led to the assumption that they were each other's dates...), hiding in Jo's basement trembling and muttering "...it's a novel, it's only a novel..." as Dr.-Mr. Jo brings him chamomile tea.

We also say, "Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck."

P.S. Totally serious about the Peggy Appiah Barbie. If there's no picture of her in her twenties, how about a description? Hair, eye color? Signature hairstyle? Distinguishing marks or characteristics?
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 08:57 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yes, Well.

I've been trying like mad to find a snap of Peggy Cripps as was. So far, no joy, but I shall, I promise you, let you know so soon as I'll have found one.
(Deleted comment)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 23rd, 2006 10:09 pm (UTC) (Link)

You're Too Kind.

Thank you. So long as it amused, my work here is done.
woman_ironing From: woman_ironing Date: February 23rd, 2006 11:16 pm (UTC) (Link)

Ha-ha-ha, bump.

I've also been enjoying reading your lovely H/D which brings civilisation and countryside into my impoverished south London life, and wishing to ask to friend you. I must do so now, before I become too awe-struck. May I friend you, please?
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 24th, 2006 04:26 pm (UTC) (Link)

M'Dear ... Of Course.

You need never ask. Least of all when you've such nice things to say about the fic, and I am touched that you did do.
(Deleted comment)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 24th, 2006 04:28 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yes. Well.

You (wait for it) snookered me into it, after all.

Delighted to have provide a chortle. my dear.
bufo_viridis From: bufo_viridis Date: February 24th, 2006 12:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Winky’s Surah; 3:102

Bring on the rest of chapters. We need them.
shezan From: shezan Date: February 24th, 2006 03:49 pm (UTC) (Link)
Right on!
randomneses From: randomneses Date: February 24th, 2006 01:04 am (UTC) (Link)
That is so fucking funny!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 24th, 2006 04:35 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

In the words of the Supreme Being as played by Ralph Richardson (in a bespoke suit and a Brigade of Guards tie), 'Well. I am the nice one.' (Time Bandits, 1981).
sarahkjrsten From: sarahkjrsten Date: February 24th, 2006 02:28 am (UTC) (Link)
I don't know you, but I want to have your babies.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: February 24th, 2006 04:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

I'm Flattered.

But surely this wasn't that amusing. (It's not having the babies, it's the cost of getting them educated....)
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