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Two fragments - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
Two fragments

Unrelated and quite possibly not HP at all. We shall see.


‘I saw,’ said the rector, in tones of utter outrage, ‘a faun today in the wood.’

His wife, who was not attending to his tone – she was buttering toast and wondering if she could face an egg this morning: she cultivated a delicate digestion, which was often useful in evading village invitations – said carelessly, ‘Really, darling? Red, roe, or fallow, dear?’

The rector, refusing to be diverted by inadvertent punning, snorted. ‘A faun, Maud, do pay attention. With a “u”.’

‘It’s hardly the time of year for fawns, is it? And with one of the ewes – had it lost its mother, do you think?’

‘A faun, damn it! F-A-U-N, faun!’ The Revd Dr Bassett made no pretence of emulating his master’s patience or meekness of temperament, preferring instead a militant and muscular Christianity. His parishioners were inured to it, and the regiment to whom he had long been padre before attaining his present benefice had rather approved it than otherwise.

‘Oh, dear.’

‘I don’t mind fauns as such,’ said the rector, not altogether truthfully, ‘but where you see fauns, there are likely satyrs. What they may do with the drabs of the village leaves me, I confess, largely unmoved – if anything, it will be the maidens-by-courtesy-only doing the pursuing – but I’m damned if I’ll have my choirboys interfered with.’

‘I suppose not,’ said his wife, meditating upon the wisdom of bacon. ‘We’d nuisance enough with that regrettable supply curate, the last but one….’


‘I’m sorry, Simon, do go on.’

‘And go I shall,’ said the rector, standing decisively and making for the door. ‘Damned thing was in the Fay Brake, and those two may deal with it.’


‘The case put by the Crown! Can you conceive, can you credit, the depraved imagination that interprets these facts by that sordid theory and forms so unspeakable a narrative, members of the jury? Can you imagine anything more horrible? For I cannot –’

‘Can you not?’

‘M’lud, I most assuredly can’t.’

‘Yes. Yes, you do, rather. For myself, even without regard to what I have seen at the Bar and upon the Bench, I can imagine quite twenty things more horrible than the case the Crown has put forward. I should be obliged, Mr Tiernan-Ogg, if you would cease canting, and confine yourself to the facts of this case.’

‘M’lud! I must protest –’

‘No, Mr Tiernan-Ogg, what you must do is to try your case. Do get on with it.’

Tags: , ,
Current Music: Bruno Walter, NBC Symphony Orchestra, New York Philharmonic - Sinfonia N. 4 In Mi Bemolle Maggiore,

11 comments or Leave a comment
wren_chan From: wren_chan Date: November 28th, 2009 08:12 pm (UTC) (Link)
*cackles helplessly* His NAME! Oi, the pun, the pun!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: November 29th, 2009 06:21 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yes, well.

I am guilty.
wren_chan From: wren_chan Date: November 30th, 2009 01:30 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Yes, well.

At least you admit it. ^^ But I do expect you to do it again! Tsk, tsk. ♥
From: el_staplador Date: November 28th, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Intriguing. I shall be very interested to see where both of these go. Mr 'Tiernan-Ogg' is a splendid pun.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: November 29th, 2009 06:21 pm (UTC) (Link)

I am easily tempted to pun.

Thankee, lass.
shezan From: shezan Date: November 28th, 2009 09:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
Is the Rev. Bassett related to Sir Watkyn, one wonders?

Also, wartime Bruno Walter, wheeeee!!!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: November 29th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC) (Link)

Hmmm. Can you imagine THIS Bassett -

- dealing with Madeline Bassett's soppy fairy notions?
pathology_doc From: pathology_doc Date: November 28th, 2009 10:04 pm (UTC) (Link)
I don't quite get the second one, but the first is brilliant. Where are you, Mr Tumnus, when your country dear Lucy Narnia needs you?
wemyss From: wemyss Date: November 29th, 2009 06:23 pm (UTC) (Link)

Ah. I might have been clearer.

The two are unrelated one to another, as well. Just a courtroom squib built on an appalling pun.

And I thank you.
sgt_majorette From: sgt_majorette Date: November 29th, 2009 01:14 am (UTC) (Link)
Now, if that were a podcast, I'd break down and start listening to the silly things!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: November 29th, 2009 06:25 pm (UTC) (Link)

I shall be forced to record one, then.

And won't you be ... sheepish ... when I do.
11 comments or Leave a comment