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Classic Comedy on WWN 7 / Listen Again On-Floo - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
Classic Comedy on WWN 7 / Listen Again On-Floo
Brief snippets from the finale of this season of Through the Wood:
‘Ooooah! Oooah! It’s me vertigo! Save me, someone, save me! Ooo, the prospect of me mortality, I’m faintin’, the horror of the abyss draws me!’

‘You’re three feet off the ground on a slow broom.’

‘I’m delicate, I am! Get me off! Quick!’

‘I gather you say that to all the boys….’

‘And here’s something else that wants to be got off … ladies and gentlemen, it’s Through the Wood!

‘Hullo, and welcome to the show. First, I must protest. These constant owls, Howlers, Floo-calls, all asking – in some cases, demanding ­– that I return to professional Quidditch, as – and this is absolutely as one Howler put it – “the only man who can save the game”: you all of you simply must cease sending these here. 

‘They want to be sent to the selectors at the Great Britain Quidditch Board, instead, to the attention of Messrs Gnomefumbler and Gruntfuttock.

‘Now. I hae here the answers to last week’s quiz. No. Yes. Only if you’re certain you’re no allergic to lanolin, and there’s someone to hold the yowe. Haddock – with an ‘o’, please, not an ‘i’. Broom polish. Behind the broom-shed or in the changing rooms. And, finally, Only if that measurement was in inches, not metric.’
‘And now, it’s song time. Ye maun keep your seats, we’ve locked the doors.’
‘I, Lee Jordan, will portray the Quidditch pitch. Whoosh. Whoosh.’
‘She swept into the room, which needed a much stronger cleaning charm than that.’
‘Stop faffin’ abaht….’
‘Yes, darling?’
Yes, darling.’
‘Yes, darling? Yes! Darling!’
‘I am appalled by the indecency with which the WWN allows to flood our homes. With. Ap-palled. On this very programme, you allowed your horrid folk singer to use the word, “bossock” – when children might have heard … if anyone actually listened to the programme.’


‘Many, many times.’
‘… Tottering Ted Tankard.’

‘Bless. ’Ullo, poppets and gentles. Gladsome it be to see thee all, and well likes me the fair prospect of pledging ye with a firkin of Owld Ganderparts cider, but I must anon troll on to the Great Goose-Nadgering and Badger-Pillocking Faire this Bossock-tide, for that I be called to shrive the turves this very year.’

‘Well, we certainly shan’t detain you if you really must be off.’

‘(I must be a bit off if I’m appearing on this programme, laddie.) I shall travel on soonwith, save that my minstrel’s code behoves me first to regale all here with this ancient lamentable ballad, that recounts the heart-stricken tale of two star-crossed lovers. Thusly.
Green grew the nadgers, and fair bloomed the possets
When came in the springtide the winter of the soul:
She loved him truly, though he was a mere Mu-uh-uh-ggle;
He found her loathsome, especially her mole.

Like the grim wurzle-top that binds the cordwangle
Like the taut futtock that gunwales the turves
Her mole dug and rooted and grubbed her drab features
And ferrets sent after it … lost traction on the curves.

She slipped him a syllabus and charmed him with gramarye
Her witchcraft she used as a snare and a sport
And though ’e did leave her, the fico at her mammary
Grew to become the wanker, Voldemort.
‘Thank you for leaving, Tottering Ted. Perhaps now I shan’t be wanting that anti-anxiety potion. My regular apothecary, you know, ceased business. Well, he died, actually, which I suppose is sufficient excuse. As it happened, that was last week. Fortunately, I chanced upon an advert in – well, let’s leave the name of the publication out of this, I only read it for the adverts –’

‘And I’m Fleur Weasley –’

‘—I only read it for the adverts … and saw that a new apothecary had opened in a bijou shopfront down Knockturn Alley.

‘Hullo, is anyone there?’

‘Oooah, hullo, I’m Lucius, and this is my friend Ginger!’

‘Look, Luce, it’s Mr Wood! How bona to vada your dolly old eek, troll right in, heart-face, don’t be strange....’

‘So, this is your shop, is it? I might have known, there aren’t many Knockturn Alley chemists calling themselves “Bona Doobery”, I can’t think.’

‘Yisss, well, our last venture wasn’t just screamingly successful, Mr Wood.’

‘Ah, yes, fan-fiction, wasn’t it?’

‘That’s right, Mr Wood: Bona Slash, Publishers. Not a screaming success, really.’

‘Actually, it was the screamin’ that did for it –’

‘—Too right, Luce, who knew the feely-ome was underage?’

‘I should have thought the Hogwarts uniform might have tipped you off.’

‘Oh, ’e wasn’t wearing your actual uniform at the time, Mr Wood –’

‘—So, we took this on.’

‘Well, not that it’s not nice to catch up on your fakements –’

‘Oooh, ’e’s slingin’ the polari.’

‘Where does he pick it up.’

‘Clapham Common, I think –’

‘The point is, I’m here in this shop to give you my custom, not to chat. I need to be serviced.’

I’ll say.’

‘I want an anxiety potion.’

‘Don’t you think you’re anxious enough?’

‘I mean, of course, an anti-anxiety potion.’

‘Ah, well. We haven’t precisely got one, y’see, Mr Wood.’

‘It’s a standard potion for this sort of shop.’

‘Bit naff, really, stocking the sort of things just anyone would sell. No, the thing is, Mr Wood, we – are experimenters.’

‘I’m sure.’

‘Oooah, bold, i’n’ ’e bold, Luce?’

‘Researchers, we are. Voyagers into the unknown, dreamers, creators of new potions –’

‘Tell ’im! Tell ’im, Luce! You tell ’im abaht our new potion!’

‘Oh. Well. We set out to make a potion that would endow anyone with the gift of tongues –’

‘And that can be quite the gift, Mr Wood. Luce’s endowments include a very gifted –’

So, we worked and we worked, and finally we hit upon it! Adder’s bane, snakeroot valerian, and snake’s head fritillary stamens!’

‘Sounds like Dark Arts to me. Careful, or you’ll have Harry and Draco coming round, and Kingsley with them.’

‘Fantabulosa! I’d like to bring Kingsley around –’

‘—And Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy can come round us anytime!’

‘I hope you stock cooling draughts for yourselves, at least. Did it work?’

‘We’re not actually altogether certain, Mr Wood.’

‘Well, you’re not exactly a basket-mouth, are you.’

‘Oooooahhhh, I wouldn’t say that.’

‘Luce! ’E means Parselmouth, don’t you, Mr Wood?’

‘Yes, sorry. Basket, parcel, what’s the difference.’

‘You do ’ave a lot to learn, Mr Wood.’

‘Evidently we all do, as you still don’t seem able to tell me what your new potion does, or even what it’s called.’

‘Oh, don’t get your wild up, Mr Wood.’

‘Well, we was going to call it “Kshssshssshssssss” but….’

‘That’s your actual Parseltongue, right there….’

‘But it’s still experimental, you might say. What it does do, and we know this from testing it, it … well, when you come to, the next morning you don’t know quite what ’appened the night before, but you can tell you ’ad quite the time.’

‘I can get the same effect from a bottle of

‘Oh, Luce tried that once, ended up in the A&E at Mungo’s, didn’t you, Luce?’

‘Traitor! You promised never to tell. Just for that, you’ll not be getting any – or the potion, neither. But you, Mr Wood, I’ll vend you a flagonette of the potion at arf-price.’

‘And that would be?’

‘Twenty Galleons and two Knuts.’

‘Good God!’

‘So I take it you won’t be having it.’

‘Nanti doing, my boy. Not at that price, but I will give you something gratis. A name for the damned thing.’

‘Oh, do tell, Mr Wood.’

‘For an untried and unknown potion at forty and four the bottle? Call it Shush Juice.’

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20 comments or Leave a comment
wren_chan From: wren_chan Date: March 20th, 2006 08:17 am (UTC) (Link)
*mad cackling* I do love you so. ♥
wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 20th, 2006 08:32 am (UTC) (Link)

Thanks, love.

It's mutual.
themolesmother From: themolesmother Date: March 20th, 2006 09:25 am (UTC) (Link)

*Recovers and wipes eyes*

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear ...

‘Now. I hae here the answers to last week’s quiz. No. Yes. Only if you’re certain you’re no allergic to lanolin, and there’s someone to hold the yowe. Haddock – with an ‘o’, please, not an ‘i’. Broom polish. Behind the broom-shed or in the changing rooms. And, finally, Only if that measurement was in inches, not metric.’

Its amazing what pictures my mind conjures up. I think I need to go away and lie down in a darkened room for a while.

And Lucius and Ginger - magic!


wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 20th, 2006 03:10 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

It's amazing really what the censors let Ken & Co get past them in the Sixties.

I am NOT scripting anything for 'Borgin and Son' - it may be popular, but it's bloody depressing, really.

I'd much rather deal with 'The Bowyers' and, of course, 'Herbologist's Question Time', WITH Trevor the Toad.
themolesmother From: themolesmother Date: March 21st, 2006 08:27 am (UTC) (Link)

Re: Thank you.

How about a Wizarding version of "Call my Bluff"?

wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 21st, 2006 06:20 pm (UTC) (Link)

I well may.

After I figure out what is to be serialised on the 'Scroll at Bedtime' programme.
nineveh_uk From: nineveh_uk Date: March 20th, 2006 05:06 pm (UTC) (Link)
‘That’s right, Mr Wood: Bona Slash, Publishers. Not a screaming success, really.’
I can hear the voices. More Rupert and Dalia please!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 20th, 2006 05:39 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thanks. I'll try.

Keep those owls and Howlers coming, please.

I suppose I must tackle the Apparating Forecast next?
nineveh_uk From: nineveh_uk Date: March 23rd, 2006 04:56 pm (UTC) (Link)

Apparating forecast

Along the lines of the local radio traffic warnings ("The A14 is once again carpeted in jack-knifed lorries...")?
wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 23rd, 2006 09:12 pm (UTC) (Link)

Not precisely.

Wait for it....
dolorous_ett From: dolorous_ett Date: March 20th, 2006 07:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
Don't know enough "Round the Horne" to get all the gags, but as ever, Lucien and Sandy had me rolling about on the floor.

Great stuff!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 20th, 2006 07:44 pm (UTC) (Link)

Oh, thank you.

Glad you were amused and diverted. They're fun to write.
From: tree_and_leaf Date: March 20th, 2006 09:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Wonderful, wondeful stuff - how on earth did Kenneth Horne get away with it? (no, Julian, that's not what I meant.

Particularly loved the Rambling Sid Rumpole spoof, although it could be argued that for the true effect, you shouldn't be able to work out exactly what was going on (although one generally had a rough idea).

And the idea of Lucien and Sandy's slash business, too...
wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 20th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

1. It's been claimed that none of the censors dared say anything because that wd have revealed what dirty minds, and what knowledge of polari, they had.

2. Quite so. I thought I'd best not try to scale quite that height of inspired lunacy: I'm just not that talented.

3. Yes. Lord, yes.

Delighted you trolled in. Grateful you commented. Pleased you were amused.
From: tree_and_leaf Date: March 21st, 2006 06:01 pm (UTC) (Link)

Bona to varda your jolly old eek

1. is surely correct, though given that my knowledge of Polari is derived solely from Round the Horne, possibly somewhat flawed as a piece of reasoning (on their part, not yours). Either that or my mind's more hopelessly sullied than I'd thought.

Came here via nineveh_uk, I should probably explain. Would you mind if I friended you?
wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 21st, 2006 06:03 pm (UTC) (Link)

Don't be strange.

Mind? I'm honoured and pleased.

Welcome to Bedlam.
From: la_localfreak Date: March 21st, 2006 07:10 pm (UTC) (Link)
Utterly, Completely, screamingly Fanta-bu-lo-sa!

I am going to steal you. for ever and ever. You are too good to be allowed to roam free :P ;)

I love it.

("Basket, Parcel what's the difference" had me rolling in the aisles!)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 21st, 2006 11:47 pm (UTC) (Link)

Ta, love.

Praise from an expert is praise indeed. Thanks.
From: la_localfreak Date: March 22nd, 2006 09:29 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: Ta, love.

You've got ALL the Polari....quean's dolly ;)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: March 22nd, 2006 10:54 pm (UTC) (Link)


I wonder why.... (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say n'more....)
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