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In Which Wemyss Encounters the Paladins of Purity (Ladies' Auxiliary) - Wemyss's Appalling Hobby:
From the Party Guilty of Committing 'Gate of Ivory, Gate of Horn'
In Which Wemyss Encounters the Paladins of Purity (Ladies' Auxiliary)

It was a dark and stormy – oh, sod that for a lark.  Suddenly, the door creaked open.  Three stout, not to say, stalwart, parties, far removed from the collapse that attends stout parties in back-issues of Punch, poorly coiffed and dressed in cheap, manmade-fibre shoddy, shouldered in.


‘Oh, gee golly, pardon.’

‘I don’t, actually, have that power –’

‘Is your name Weee-miss?’

‘Ah … do you by chance mean, “Wemyss”?’

‘If that’s how you people say it when you’re plotting impure acts.  Well?’

‘Er.  That depends, rather.  I mean to say, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t.  And you would be?’

‘Oh, golly gosh, durn it, I reckon as how we didn’t say.  You people are so goldurned formal.  We … are the Paladins of Purity.  My associates, Cardinals Fang and Biggles.’

‘I must say, I wasn’t expecting – no, let’s not start all that.  Paladins, are you?’

‘Well, Paladinettes, reeeeelly.  Of Purity.  Why, in the last coupla weeks alone, my gracious, we have cleaned up Ottumwa, Iowa, Rupert, Idaho, and Dorrance, Kansas.  Or as we prefer to call them, so it’s not so naughty, Ottumwa, We-owa (children mustn’t be allowed to be too individualistic-like, ya know, jeepers!); Rupert, Ida-fallen-woman-who-may-yet-be-redeemed-by-God’s-grace-just-like-Mary-Magdalene; and Dorrance, Bottomsbottom.’

‘I say, was there an “e” at the end of “Magdalene” just then?’

‘Why, surely.’

‘Kindly remove it, we’re not bloody Tabs here.  And you want to say it as “maudlin”.’

‘Why, land’s sakes, we’re not here to be learned our lessons.  You’ve gotten hold of the wrong idear.’

‘Then why, pray, are you darkening my door in so Poe-etic a fashion?’

‘Why, gracious, to catch you in your evil wickedness.’

‘My – I’m sorry, what other sorts of wickedness are there?  No, no, don’t bother.  What evil, ah, wickedness?’

‘Your sinful interests!  Why, land’s sake, just look at you!  Dressed like that werewolf from that evil witch-book series, and we know what he is.’

‘Madam, or, as it may be, sir, you may insult me if you dare, but I’ll thank you to leave my tailor out of this.  A---------n & S---------d are not purveyors of shabbiness by appointment, damn it all.’

‘Oooh!  You swored, I heard it plain as day!’

‘Will you kindly state your business and be gone.’

‘Lordy, you are slow on the uptake, we’re here to Defend Purity.  And we’ve seen your interests list, you dirty old pervert.’

‘I – what did you say?’

‘You heard me, buster.  Look at your interests.  “Angling”, you say, but I notice you surely don’t say what fer.  “Bird watching”, and if that isn’t a pervert codeword I dunno what is.  “Fly-fishing” – why, that’s clearly a signal to your fella preee-verts.  And look here: “Roger Scruton”.  Why, it’s purely wicked!’

‘Professor Scruton is an eminent philosopher –’

‘You ain’t a-fooling us none, mister!  We know what “roger” means in your degraded language!  And “screw-ton”?  And it’s practic-ly the same word as you-know-what, for a man’s you-know-where.  You filthy pervert.’

‘You’re mad.  Utterly, barking mad.  You are so barking, you share a London borough with Dagenham.  You cannot possibly imagine –’

‘We don’t care to imagine the filthy things you kind of people do.  This interest list is nearly a confession to a list of felonies long as your arm.  Why, right there as bold as sin, it says, “cricket”, and we just know that’s some schoolboy you’re after, and right there it says, “Wes-”, it says “Wess-”, it says … “Wes-S-E-X”!  In public!  We Paladins of Purity (Ladies’s Auxiliary) aren’t about to stand for that sort of thing in a God-fearing internet!’

‘You lot are absolute lunatics!’

‘We ain’t perverts, though!  A man your age, interested in “herbaceous borders” – well, I ask you!  Might as well be an old male florist, and we all know what that means!  But the sure-fire kicker – looky there.  You come right out and admit it, you ain’t got an ounce of shame, do you, says right there in front of God an’ ever’body: “Church of England”.  Why – God pertect us! – you probably even know a … a vicar.  And we know what they get up to!  You, mister, are a predator.’

‘You lot want to be in bloody Rampton!’

‘AND WORST OF ALL, you subscribe to that Pee-piss Diary!’

‘It’s “Pepys”, you clotwit!  And what the devil can be objectionable about that?’

‘He was a pervert!  Married his wife when she was just an innocent child of fourteen!  We’ll get him for that, just you wait and see!’

‘That was in the Seventeenth Century!  And he’s dead!’

‘Oh, just because a crime already happened, you think it should be let go?’

‘Now, see here, damn it all –’

‘And don’t you start with that free speech business, neither!  It’s all a ruse for your unspeakable habits.  You’d like it if we let everybody off with a slap on the wrist, I reckon!’

‘Well, actually, I rather disagree with Dave Cameron on hugging hoodies – and, being an actual Tory, on everything else, actually.  After all, Dave or no Dave, I believe in grammar schools – and if there were ever a case for flogging and indeed hanging, it would be as regards dirty buggers who interfere with children.  So there’s three things I’m not with Dave on, although not all three at once.  After all, if you combine grammar schools and flogging, you might as well be at Eton….’

‘See!  You’re fixated on schoolboys!  I bet that “foxhunting” is a codeword, too.  Trying to pass yourself off as some young hipster to meet your prey, I bet!’

‘D’you know, I’ve met saner members of New Labour?  Even of the BNP?’

‘I dunno but I’ll just wager that “BNP” stands for something filthy!’

‘Well, yes, actually it does, now that you come to mention it –’

‘I KNEW IT!  We’ll have you hounded from the innerwebs fer this, you and your wicked codewords like “men-dips” and “kin-ross” and, and, and your “pewsey”, you filthy beast!’

‘Now, see here, you ruddy madwomen!  The only remotely dubious interests I list, centre on Harry-Draco slash!’


The room – and, more to the point, its inhabitants – fell silent.


‘Oh, honey, that’s nothin’, everybody ships H/D.’

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39 comments or Leave a comment
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tekalynn From: tekalynn Date: May 30th, 2007 08:35 am (UTC) (Link)
Oh, bravo!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 30th, 2007 08:41 am (UTC) (Link)

Why, thank you.

God knows I despise, and would glad see prosecuted, actual criminals. But that, surely, is for actual authorities, the local equivalent of the Crown Prosecution Service and its DPP, to do?
thatwhichiam From: thatwhichiam Date: May 30th, 2007 08:59 am (UTC) (Link)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:22 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

You're too kind.

No, really. MUCH too kind.
From: tree_and_leaf Date: May 30th, 2007 09:17 am (UTC) (Link)
‘Madam, or, as it may be, sir, you may insult me if you dare, but I’ll thank you to leave my tailor out of this. Anderson & Sheppard are not purveyors of shabbiness by appointment, damn it all.’

You come right out and admit it, you ain’t got an ounce of shame, do you, says right there in front of God an’ ever’body: “Church of England”. Why – God pertect us! – you probably even know a … a vicar. And we know what they get up to!

wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:25 pm (UTC) (Link)

Yes, well.

I did have you in mind as I wrote.
serriadh From: serriadh Date: May 30th, 2007 09:49 am (UTC) (Link)
I think I have pulled a muscle from laughing too hard.

These lunatics have, as others have rightly pointed out, succeeded only in shutting down a very few 'real' paedophile sites, and unnerving and panicking a great number of innocent people. From what I've been reading, most people have just deleted all their interests, so they can't be found.

(Though I must say, I was rather surprised to hear -though this may all be just rumour) that some communities were not only set up with the express purpose of allowing paedophiles to congregate, etc. but that they were stupid enough to put 'paedophilia' as an LJ interest.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:29 pm (UTC) (Link)

Indeed, on all counts.

And I suggest a poultice for the strain.

Thanks, love, for yr kind words.
velvet_tipping From: velvet_tipping Date: May 30th, 2007 02:42 pm (UTC) (Link)
so i am linking to this because it's flashflooding where i am & i was out at 3 am so i have no wit of my own. kthanx.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:31 pm (UTC) (Link)


I'm obliged for the referrals, but I must contest the claim that yr inexhaustible wit can ever diminish.
themolesmother From: themolesmother Date: May 30th, 2007 05:31 pm (UTC) (Link)
‘Oh, honey, that’s nothin’, everybody ships H/D.’

*Takes a deep breath and wipes eyes*

Oh, Wemyss - I love you! And the punchline was just perfect.

The only way to deal with people like these is to laugh at them. Keep it up! (Oooer, missus, does that mean I'm going to get censored now?)

wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:34 pm (UTC) (Link)

Many, MANY times.

Thank you, m'dear.

Let us all continue to laugh them to scorn.
(Deleted comment)
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:36 pm (UTC) (Link)


See what you've missed?
tudorpot From: tudorpot Date: May 30th, 2007 08:47 pm (UTC) (Link)
I agree with your sentiments, however, why do these nasty people have to be fat/obese/stout. As an anorexically challenged woman I find characterisations based on body size disturbing. Fat people have enough discrimination to cope with. thanks,
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 09:19 am (UTC) (Link)


Sheer casual stupidity on my part. You're right, and I shall fix it soonish.
soonest_mended From: soonest_mended Date: May 30th, 2007 10:24 pm (UTC) (Link)
I have such a crush on you right now. *runs off to hide*
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:40 pm (UTC) (Link)

Sigh. They always run away, the sylphs and nymphs and Graces...

Thanks, love. (And mind you don't put your elbow in the butter, Ginevra.)
aoibhe From: aoibhe Date: May 31st, 2007 03:17 am (UTC) (Link)
I'd buy you an internets if you suddenly didn't owe me a keyboard. ♥
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:48 pm (UTC) (Link)

'Not today, sir, no.'

'I'm afraid we're fresh out of Red Leicester keyboards, sir.'

Well, Python skits or no Python skits, I must thank you for yr vy kind encouragement and yr praise at HT. I'm most pleased to have amused you and assisted in mocking the buggers.
dbassassin From: dbassassin Date: May 31st, 2007 05:18 am (UTC) (Link)
“Wes-”, it says “Wess-”, it says … “Wes-S-E-X”!

Just imagine how they'd respond to "Sus-S-E-X". I've always thought 'Sussex' sounded naughty.


Sorry. I'll stop that now.

This is very cute. Complete fantasy, of course. Great punchline, as well.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:51 pm (UTC) (Link)

Imagine had it been Suffolk.

Or Essex.

I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for taking the time to tell me as much.
ashe_frost From: ashe_frost Date: May 31st, 2007 06:45 am (UTC) (Link)
Here via hogwarts_today.

Brilliant! =) And so true. It's like shipping Romeo and Juliet. My fandom is so vanilla.

Thanks for this.. It brightened up the situation a little.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:54 pm (UTC) (Link)

Oh, thank you.

I'm glad. The situation wants all the brightness we can manage.
nellie_darlin From: nellie_darlin Date: May 31st, 2007 08:40 am (UTC) (Link)
Fabulous! What a corking finish, wot. Although I take exception to the "bloody Tabs" - how dare you insult my culture, my intellectual mother? Pah.

But yeah, totally wonderful, and very very sharp satire. Well done!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 01:59 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thankee, lass.

You KNOW things are serious when both places's 'other place' agree.

I am gratified to know that you enjoyed it. You're very kind.
colourlesshade From: colourlesshade Date: May 31st, 2007 12:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
Here via hogwarts_today as well.


Amazing. This made my morning.
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 02:02 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you.

And yr kind words have made my day.
chattycheese From: chattycheese Date: May 31st, 2007 12:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
This is perfect, just the right amounts of snarky and funny!

I love that the Church of England is a punishable offence. That brings me so much joy :D

Thank you!
wemyss From: wemyss Date: May 31st, 2007 02:12 pm (UTC) (Link)

Thank you, very much indeed.

And we KNOW what vicars get up to....
39 comments or Leave a comment
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